4 Hormones Vala

Why do we get hurt and sad? How do we slip into despair when love is lost or we face relationship issues? It’s not your fault, it’s a chemical thing. And understanding this will change your life.

When you are in love, dopamine and oxytocin are at their highest, especially when love is new. These are chemical reactions to excitement, physical touch and that environment itself.

As we move along in the relationship, we need new actions, behaviors, and things to keep the dopamine and oxytocin high. So, a mature relationship will evolve as each partner gets comfortable with each other and keeps the relationship alive with dopamine and oxytocin triggers like physical touch, love making, hugs, kisses, movies, dinners, hikes, exercise, travel, doing new things, pursuing hobbies and passions.

They call it the honeymoon period because no matter how deeply in love you are, you will get overstimulated with the same source of dopamine and oxytocin for some time. This is not about a person, but a chemical process, and when the overstimulation happens, immaturity triggers us to believe that the love is fading and the relationship is headed for the rocks.

Overstimulation is real. A few examples could be scrolling on social media, leveling up in games, buying more and more material things, one drink becomes two and then a whole bottle, a joint becomes a gateway drug to the heavier synthetic chemicals, etc. You keep doing this because the stimulation of the original source fades at some point and you need the next level of excitement. Hence, the honeymoon period could have ended but as partners, people continue to build new sources of excitement, wonder, and keep the physical intimacy strong. Thus, the relationship matures.

Now what happens when you go through a break up, lost love, betrayal, or death of a loved one? Why does it pain so much? Hurtful emotions, fears, rejection, loneliness, could be some answers at the surface. But what creates this dismal environment around all the emotions? When the love was deep and strong, the brain builds and recognizes a solid circuit of dopamine and oxytocin linked with everything that came with that love, the person, the words, the behaviors, the gestures, the physical touch. Your brain builds neural circuits around all of this and impresses it deeply into your subconscious mind. Now, with the tragic incident, the love is no more, the stimulation, the source of that dopamine and oxytocin is no more, and the brain is craving these chemicals to be produced by that source (lost love).

But it’s not there, creating a massive drop in dopamine and oxytocin and hence, serotonin and GABA. This you feel the way you feel – miserable, sad, demotivated, unworthy. You become a victim of the chemical processes.

What’s the way out? It’s not easy, of course. There are going to be emotions that you have to face, but the solution here is to quickly build new sources of dopamine and oxytocin. You need to override the old neural circuits with new ones that you create through action . The easiest way out might seem to be drugs and alcohol, but it’s clear to all that those are the wrong neural circuits you want to build, they are destructive ones, and you want to build constructive ones. So, you start meeting new people, or you spend time with loved ones, family, friends, you start to chase a hobby or passion that can stimulate dopamine, you get a pet, and indulge in other relaxing activities. All of these constructive actions will help you build new neural circuits that override the old one which was addicted to those simulations . You form new ones through the right actions you choose. You may get help, consider counseling, and as you build new circuits, the old ones fade away and your new sources provide you with dopamine and oxytocin- the chemicals your brain needs to move you to a state of happiness and joy .
If you keep focusing on the old neural patterns through your thoughts like ‘why me?’, ‘Am I that bad?’, you keep those circuits alive but devoid of the dopamine and oxytocin and that’s why it makes you feel worse. Hence, overriding by creating new circuits through new actions is the only way out. You can also have faith in the power of prayer and pray for help to get you through your bad time, but you must override through actions.
Under stimulation or overstimulation of dopamine and oxytocin drive us to chase new sources and choose the right ones. The faster you remove yourself from victim mode to action, the easier it will be to recover. Don’t let the negativity get to you and just create the life that you think you deserve.